Tuesday

The Promise of a new day

Hold on dear ones, this may meander.  Let us rejoice in all things new and delicious, old and delicious, or just delicious.  (somebody broke down a made a batch of brownies!)  It is a beautiful day, kabuki arises at 9am to the joyful squawks of the unruly kabuki clan.  Kabuki uncovers the birds, gives them all a peanut, lets the dog out, opens the blinds, secures a caffinated libation and then kabuki and the dog go back to their respective beds.  We are not the crazy ones, its those damn birds.  One of them BooBoo (an Indian ringneck) has completed her mission of shredding every piece of paper she can get into confetti.  Being a tidy bird she then throws the confetti out of her cage onto MY floor.  Every morning kabuki is greeted with the aftermath of his own ticker-tape parade.  (must have been some party, kabuki muses, because I can't remember a thing).  Every day kabuki sweeps up the mess, and provides BooBoo with new paper.  (don't judge me, she's happy)  Every week kabuki also vacuums and usually damp mops the cherry wood laminate floor.  Today is a good day to vacuum and mop as kabuki rides the horse that is called Gingerbread.  (Kabuki had also baked a gingerbread and had it for brekkie - delightful).   As kabuki has been re-arranging storage while preparing the guest room for the friends and family that will NOT come and visit (bitches), kabuki has located the 75 boxes that contain the CD collection kaboo has been working on for decades.  Up to know kabuki has been forced to pleasure himself (audio-wise) via the scant 50 Gigabytes of music on his personal computer.  It is hardships like this that can eventually wear a man down to a nub.  Anyways, kabuki opens a cd box - screams - and runs towards the Yamaha RX-V870 Natural Sound Stereo Receiver with matching yamaha components and speakers (kabuki is a whore for matching audio equipment).  Why all the fuss you may ask.  Laying in waiting in the cd treasure box is a mix cd kabuki has made,  Kabuki has no recollection of this event - perhaps a fugue state was involved.  (nice play on the word fugue).  Anyway the title of said music collection is 'DRAG QUEEN MUCH? volume one.  Kabuki knows this could go any numer of ways, but is sure the vacuum will be a breeze.  Perhaps a little warm-up number, just to shake the dust off the old bones.  OH MY GOD - Patti Labelle's "What can I do for you".  Kabuki senses a string of patti labelle grooviness is running thru the universe.  Casting aside the kenmore canister vac, Kabuki begins to bring it to the people.  Kabuki is selling pure gold this morning people, get your dollars OUT! (say yeah say yeah)  You may only suspect - and kabuki will now confirm - kabuki can dance like a house of speed freaks on fire.  Sweet Jesus - kabuki embraces the love that is extremely loud (and clean) yamaha digital 6.1 dolby drag queen madness.  Building, spinning, (no leaping - mobile home) bobbing & weaving - there is no doubt that this is the finest dance routine this part of the California desert has seen in decades.   Final moments, taking it home kabuki hits and locks the final pose!  And kabuki's shorts fall to the ground - someone has neglected to don appropriate dance attire.  Glancing up at the open blinds kabuki is surprised to see NO ONE AT ALL.  Live performances can be so fleeting.  Lets only hope the spy satellite caught my laviscious behaviour (it did).  Stay tuned, because kabuki noticed that volume one was sitting on volumes two, three and four.  Be nice and kabuki will burn you a set, guaranteed to turn anywhere queens inhabit into a throw down wig-shaking party.  Because kabuki cares, and kabuki shares.  goodnight my loves.

Saturday

a day remembered

The year was 1980.  It was mid-May.  Kabuki's family was all away for a wedding.  Kabuki's friend from college had just returned to Boston.  Kabuki was due to graduate from computer school in just a few days, and was not allowed to miss any more days of school or was threatened with NO DIPLOMA.  Kabuki was also sick as a damn dog.  Two days prior kabuki has visited the local emergency room, because he had the pnuemonia.  His grandmother had told him this, and he knew her to be a wise woman.  The ER Doctors disagreed with her, took chest x-rays, gave kabuki some cough syrup, and sent him on his way.  All in all it was a shitty day.  Did kabuki mention it was his birthday?  Well it was, and kabuki was feeling DOWN.  All alone and sick, kabuki started to feel warm.  Kabuki's temperature was rose quickly - puzzling.  Kabuki called his Auntie - another wise woman.  "Auntie, my temperature has just hit 102, que pasa?" "For crying out loud, go to the Emergency Room before you drop dead" Auntie suggesteds strongly.  "Again - well I am not going to be pleasant when I get there" kabuki warned.  Kabuki hopped in his 1973 Mustang convertible (red with white top & Interior!) and proceeded to the Emergency Room.  Same nurse checked kabuki in, same intern got him settled, same Doctor walked in.  Kabuki said "I am SO not paying for this return visit, do not even mail me a bill".  kabuki then put his head on the Doctors' shoulder and burst into tears.  Doctor threw several little white pills down kabuki's throat and sent him off to X-Ray.  Same guy pushed the wheelchair, same X-Ray tech - it really was all too much.  Doctor then announced "Why, you have double walking pnuemonia" like he had just discovered the disease himself.  "My grandmother told me that several days ago, might I remind you" kabuki was feeling slightly bolder, probably those little white pills.  "I see" said the Doctor, and although he was obviously not cut out for medical work, he was as cute as he could be.  Afraid kabuki was going to cause him bodily harm, Doctor quickly gave kabuki a prescription for some meds, a quick shot in the ass, and sent him on his way.  (side note: kabuki was rather thin, and every Doctor kabuki saw during the 80s used this as an excuse to give me a shot in my ass.  The medical community should be ashamed)  So properly diagnosed, kabuki returned home, feeling better than he had in weeks.  Physically anyways.  Still an emotional wreck (it was the 80s emotional wreckedness was in), kabuki settled in for a night of 'no birthday cake for the horribly alone and still sick as crap' fun.  As was the custom then kabuki tuned his radio in to WHUR Howard University Radio.  It was home of "The Quiet Storm", a nightly musical oasis of all things wonderous and wonderful.  Kabuki dared a call to the request line, and it was birthday magically answered.  "Hi, its my birthday, I just got out of the ER, I am alone and sad, please play me a tune".  The DJ created that perfect moment in time for kabuki, that moment kabuki shares with you know.  He played Patti Labelle's "Come what may", like he knew kabuki.  I put my head down and cried.  I may have cried for hours, but somehow I knew the universe was finite, and that somehow I mattered.

Thursday

A little kabuki dreamscape for you

kabuki has dreams y'know.  And they can be ridiculous.  kabuki knows this shocks the seasoned kabuki reader, but deal with it sister.  kabuki seldom strays from the path of normalacy and commonplace middle-class white bread & mayonnaise lifestyle that is so desired by those horrible people on the television, but the little satan child occasionally fills kabukis' head with visions and scenarios that might be true.  kabuki doesn't judge - except for a fee.  (have you priced a 2012 porshe carrera s?  kabuki has)  Anyways, what if kabuki is really quite psychic?  What if these brief glimpses are some type of remote viewing?  kabuki feels duty-bound to the loyal reader.  Let history judge me (it wouldn't dare).  Let's light this candle:

Is there any truth to the notion that MJ our infomaniac goddess is shopping a canadian wonder woman mini-series to the telly people in New Zealand?  Connie Canuck - wine maker by day - super heroine by night.  It must not that get that could up North, because the costume is scandalous.  kabuki looks forward to many late night viewings of this adult-themed television event.

Could it be that screen writers are pestering our Mr. Peenee for bio-pic rights?  Rumor suggests his backyard is a hot spot for writers and producers alike.  Appearing frequently at hot spots and trouble spots - he always arrives in a snow white jaguar.  Has he really been throwing cupcakes off his second story catwalk at passersby?  (I hear the icing takes of vicodin - how divine)  We know he recently turned down a six figure salary to let his cat Sciatica (real name) work with Interpol.  The cat has its own phone.  It is a satellite phone, and the halls of interpol echo with the sounds "Get me the CAT SAT STAT", when ever the director is perplexed.  Oddly comforting, no?

Thombeau, Thombeau, Thombeau - where to begin.  Every time the Queen Mum gets a new hat a tiny replica is forwarded to our talented Mr. Thombeau.  More than one international incident has been prevented by a quick call to the castle across the pond (ditch the lavender mess immediately!)  He asks for nothing in return, although a knighthood is certain.  It is suggested he has the only Mini Cooper in existence that can run on gin, a gift from a thankful Queen.  We know his latest work with Bulgari is both exquisite and expensive.  That is just how he rolls. 

Felix has taken Hollywood by storm.  That is because he can control the weather, but only a little.  Not so much a super power, but he can make it humid enough to completely fuck up your hair.  Felix is not bothered by humidity, his whole family is immune.  His mother was a famous high-wire performer, and many nights Felix can be found atop the HOLLYWOOD sign (he favors the 'y' letter - no one knows why)  A hollywood legend in his own right - there are hush hush meetings at his hollywood bungalow every 3rd tuesday.  There is a secret room in his home, kabuki has seen it.  Up close - when that jealous bitch tried to lock me away.  Fortunately for all - Felix keeps his own home made preserves there, so no harm no foul.

These are but a few of kabukis' visions.  Stay tuned as kabuki prepares to open the floodgates and let the information permeate the atmosphere.  Kabukileaks - no one second thought - kabuki doesn't like the sound of that at all.  kabuki shall return when he has coined a catchy tag line.  Adieu

Monday

Message to the Universe


I know you are changing, I am changing too.  You don't own me, you can not control me, you can not tame me.  You can not stop me, you can only end me.  Not scared.   Even if I lose, that does
not mean you win.  You are not black and white.  There are always alternatives, choices, paths untried.  My spirit is unbroken.  My desire remains intact.  My ego protects my softer side, my wit
shields my true nature, my talent strengthens my resolve.  What I do not learn from I may repeat.  My choice.  What I covet I may pay too high a price to obtain.  My decision.  One day I will be
done, but that day is not today.  I have said it before.  I will say it again.  I am unique. I am alone. I am searching, I am kabuki zero.

Tuesday

It you want my opinion (and you do)

This delightful room is where kabuki sat while waiting his turn in the baccarat semi-finals at a casino saturday nite.  EEECH!  Gold glitter couch, how does one compose ones self?  Especially since kabuki had learned how to play baccarat off the internet the night before. Kabuki you zany hep cat!  The free buffet was tasty as well.  But what to wear, what to wear?  Kabuki felt the room lacked both color and pattern, but kabuki generally doesn't 'tart it up'  at casino vip events.  Not always, anyway.  Don't judge me.

SO kabuki watched some family televsion recently, here's kabuki's humble opions:
  Mothra II -  fat japaneses children running, then cheap shit blows up
  Alcatraz - edgy poorly editted NBC pilot - like a cheap x-files
  Lost Girl - sci-fi girl-on-girl - like a cheap Dark Angel
 
Are we sensing a theme?  We are, and it is not pretty.  It is cheapness - and I blame the Kardashians. (The only time I shall mention those publicity whores.  bleah)  Kabuki is not fond of dirty, petty, shallow disgusting cheapness.  As if you did not know.  That is why kabuki requires a Tesla roadster.  Kabuki is ashamed to admit it, but kabuki has asked the Twitter community for a Tesla roadsterr because the blog community DID NOT STEP UP!!!  It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, and I bet if Frank Perdue wanted an electric car somebody would get it for him.  Probably his accountant.   Which reminds me - which one of you guys is my accountant? 

Does kabuki have to keep track of everything?  There are only so many hours in a day, and sometimes kabuki likes to lay down for most of them.  The demands the universe has placed on kabuki are extrememly tiring, and one can only delegate so many things to the practically non-existent help.  Who am I kidding, they are completely non-existent.  Children have imiginary friends, kabuki has imiginary help!  And the whole lot of them are about to be laid off if kabuki doesn't see some major improvements around his flat. One day company is sure to arrive, and kabuki does not wish to open the door and hand them a mop.  It would be bad form. ill-mannered at best. 

And best not to hand my motley assortment of friends anything which can be used as a weapon.  Yes, reprobates and felons, the whole lot of them positively desire what scant few possesions kabuki has left.  Kabuki is afraid to tell them the diamonds have been sold off (so sad), for fear kabuki would wake up in a bathtub full of ice one kidney short.  They are a scurrilous lot, and if i had a dollar bill for every knife in my back - well you know.  But as a supreme being of light and love kabuki cannot turn away the heartless beasts that would otherwise pine away their lonely hours thinking up ways to do wrong and dastardly deeds.  So you see, it is really for you that kabuki toils.  Endlessly some would say (they would be wrong).  But right now kabuki is going to go eat some spaghetti and listen to the eurythmics. Don't ask me why.

Friday

friday fun with girls


Oh yes, kabuki is fond of the cinema.  How many famous people turn their back on the silver screen?  Who can say?  I think 56% personally, but what do I know?  Who am I?  Why am I here? And finally, how do we get this vid an oscar?

Wednesday

Again it begins

Kabuki is forlorn.  Kabuki did not win the 2012 two door Land Rover Evoq given away last week at kabuki's bingo casino.  A small mexican cowboy won it.  Kabuki knows he was a mexican cowboy because : he wore ostritch skin cowboy boots, he wore tight cowboy jeans with a BIG belt buckle. he wore a cowboy shirt - and he had on a big-ass cowboy hat.  (plus my friend knows him, and informed me).  'At least he got dressed up' kabuki thought, because the general fashion scene at the casino is dismal.  Occasionally kabuki will spy a pair of hooker shoes, and it gives one hope.  Anyways no new car for kabuki, who surely deserves no less.  Suffer as I do, surely a new automobile is the least the universe can do.  Knowing the winner has a scant grasp of the english language kabuki clasp his hand firmly and said 'Coma Tostado', and kabuki meant it.  Kabuki can give as well as receive - but please do not attach dirty thoughts to kabuki's multi-dimensional approach to life.
Kabuki saw on some blog somewhere a list of 40 things to do in 2012 for a better world.  Kabuki did not get past number 2 - Forgive Everyone.  'Obviously the work of an idiot' kabuki surmised, and kabuki read no further. For kabuki has decided to forgive no one, 2012 is the year my good nature will be kept in check.  For far too long has the universe backslid into rudenesss, meanness, and a generally surly undertone permeates the very air of my desert resort town.  Kabuki is simply not having it. 
Kabuki watched the political nonsense on the telly for almost 5 minutes.  It made kabuki slightly queasy.  Let kabuki sort it out for you.  Mint Romney - no president of mine shall be named after a common garden herb.  As for the rest of the republicans - ick ick and ick.  Now President Obama - nope, he seems a teensy bit ineffective and whiny.  When you are the boss - well it is your fault. nuff said. Ronald Reagan knew that, and there was very little that Ronnie knew by the time he hit the White House.  So what are we to do?  Elect Kabuki.  My years of government consulting have prepared me for just such an event.  Kabuki will immediately start sending ambasssadors abroad.  Six pissed off gays guys and a couple of pms'ing lesbians should bring Korea in line - and Kabuki has big plans for Iran.  (Think musical reality show)  My complete and total 'no war'  approach to world events shall have the military and its crony suppliers in tears.  Now mind you, if someone should come over to America and do harmful things kabuki will personally lead a squad of ninjas and kick their ass.  We do have the ninjas in America y'know.  You think the Girl Scouts are just a bunch of silly girls?  No no no.  They don't even bake those cookies, they have people for that.  So you see the amount of free time the girls have.  Kabuki is just saying those sashes they wear are perfect for concealing throwing stars.  Oh there are many secrets President Kabuki will reveal to the world.  And some of them Kabuki did not even make up.  probably. 

Tuesday

did kabuki succumb?

Kabuki requires some counsel.  What you see above is the christmas 2011 release by en&is gallery, an italian design house.  It is a passive iphone amplifier, aka a megaphone for your iphone.  It is handcrafted, rests on an italian walnut stand, and kabuki finds it divine.  kabuki's mother was a ceramic and porcelain goddess of great talent, and kabuki recognizes the difficulty in creating such a lovely thing as is pictured above.  It costs 399 euros, and is the only item currently for sale at the en&is gallerys' website.
So you say to yourself, 'big whoop kabuki - tell us something else of little or no importance.  ok I will - kabuki can crack his toes.  spooky - no?  But bac kto the matter at hand.  kabuki accidentally went shopping, and whilst browsing in the local thrift store came upon this item.  In the original box, with all associated paperwork.  A nebbish man came over as kabuki inspected said item.  He whipped out his smart phone and attempted to discern its provenance, to kabuki's great consternation. (what a lovely sentence construct)  not to be outdone kabuki produced his iphone and immediately went to the design website, then informed the small man of the important data associated with said object.  Man said to me 'I could have looked that up on my pc at home'.  kabuki said 'meh', and wandered away to peruse other items.  kabuki could not shake the little man, and kabuki made polite conversation, including the possibility of buying thrift store items and selling them on ebay for profit.  A risky business to be sure.  kabuki informed small man the kabuki might consider selling above pictured ceramic on ebay, after all it is a christmas 2011 release, and it is only January 2012.  The market is surely not flooded with such a unique and delightful knick-knack.  At this point we (kabuki and the nebbish stranger) were joined in our conversation by the goodwill manager.  'That just came in today, its very expensive.  The lady who dropped  it off said she had received two of them".  kabuki knew this to be a bold-faced lie from some wealthy yet tasteless palm springs biddy.  (she also dropped off a matched set of DREAMY table lamps)  Anyways, after convincing the small man that he was not going to get kabuki's number, kabuki purchased the object d'art.  Am kabuki mad?  Has my noodle gone soft?  What is to become of kabuki?  Mind you, it was less than 20% of retail, yet kabuki may still have to nibble on it for sustenance when the budget collapses later this month.  Felix would call it 'a shopping blackout', kabuki just calls it a heart-felt purchase.  Here it is on my coffee table, it may yet end up on ebay, so tell me dear reader - What the hell have I done?