Saturday

No Man is an Ithmus


Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived.  (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki)  Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon.  He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible.  Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!  Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike.  (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything.  They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness.  Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'.  Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki?  Halloween is gonna be a blast.  Kabuki might not even  hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag.  Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master.  Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless.  Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money.  IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! 

In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle).  Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing.  SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon.  (no it don't need fixing)  What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon?  OMG  My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell.  Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk.  "What?  Why? How? Why? And of course Why?"  kabuki gently asked the eye-candy.  "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you.  Nice, huh?"  SSSBF replied.  Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin.  Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking?  kabuki thought as much.  Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.

Monday

One banana Two banana Three banana Four

Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.  Kabuki will be poolside, singing The Banana Splits theme song until he feels ready to face mankind once again.  Hiatus becomes kabuki.  tata

Friday

Give me Liberty or give me desks!

Behold the newest resident at Castle Rock (kabuki's doulewide mansion).  He is a two year old french poodle named Liberty.  His daddy is fighting in Afganistan and then will be fighting in Gemany, so he asked his mommy to find Liberty a new home.  Liberty was raised with parrots, so he was a natural for kabuki's parrot-laden home. He is quite friendly, calm, housebroken, and a picky eater.  All welcome Liberty into the Infomaniac world of delight.
Once another delightful note, in less than 24 hours kabuki will be receiving his first Infomaniac visitor.  The lovely and talented Donna Lethal is weekending in Desert Hot Springs and offered to buy kabuki dinner. (score)  She said 'I understand if you do not wish to show your work in progress house'.  Kabuki answered 'Are you kidding?  Kabuki requires anyone nearby to come and see the as-is state of affairs.   Kabuki does not wish people to think he just moved into a turn-key double-wide mansion of extreme tastefulness, NO NO NO.   Kabuki wants all to know the super-human effort required to make the house a home.  That being said, if Donna thinks kabuki is going to mop the floors she is sadly mistaken.  Kabuki dusted, vacuumed, and took out the trash.  Kabuki is now watching cartoons, sipping iced tea and nibbling on a chilled peruvian minneola.  After all, what does one expect from kabuki.  Have you ever mopped a floor in a silk kimono and white face.  Kabuki thought not.

Kabuki has decided a nice 19th century romantic bronze would be yummy on the patio.  Anyone who has an extra bronze should contact kabuki via this fantastic blog.  As a child of goodness and light kabuki deserves a nice bronze.  Let us spend no more time on this.  Thanks in advance from kabuki.

ps.  kabuki did not want another desk, so that is why kabuki is a proud french poodle parent.



Sunday

Desert Hot Springs - oh hell no

So here we are maties, preparing for Pirate Day (see mr peenees blog) when kabuki had to attend to a matter most despicable.  The 1996 purple saturn station wagon of love had just recently began to screech, especially with the ac running (which is always).  Kabuki is no stranger to auto maintenance - but it has been years since kabuki actually did any.  Kabuki prefers to pay people to do these type of nasty little tasks, because auto repair can be a severe pain in the ass.  However due to poorness (kabuki SUCKS at poorness), some matters must be attended in person.  ick ick ick.  Kabuki has just last week purchased 'belt dressing' and attempted to alleviate the shrill tone emnating from the previously mentioned engine compartment, but to no avail.  So kabuki dons a work kimono and heads to the local auto parts store.  It is located in nearby Desert Hot Springs, a veritable hot dry low-rent lock-the-car kinda place.  Kabuki never goes there, prefering the refreshing gayness of Palm Springs.  But kabuki does not need a hugo boss dress belt.  Kabuki needs a serpentine belt for a twin-cam 4 cylinder.  (did that turn you on?  man-speak)  Because kabuki is above all else a genius, he felt he could accomplish this arduous task single handedly.  Of course another manicure will die, but into each life some rain must fall.  As kabuki pulls into the turn lane to enter the parking lot of the auto parts store a loud snap can be heard.  Unfortunately it is not gunfire, it is the fan belt rendering itself useless.  Kabuki knows this because power steering is now a thing of the past, and the engine temperature needle goes straight to red.  In approximately 8 seconds.  (accursed desert heat)  Kabuki parks, enters and looks momentarily stunned.  The auto parts store is entirely staffed by smallish lesbians.  Not a cute boy in the vicinity.  Why does God punish the faithful?  Am not kabuki a child of light?  Damn damn damn.  Kabuki purchases the needed part, also picks up a cute little butterfly windscreen stick on.  Kabuki firmly believes automobiles require gifts to let them know they are loved.  Having owned 2 dozen cars you must trust kabuki in this.  As you should trust kabuki in all things.  But whatever - kabuki don't judge.  Returning to the car with my purchases kabuki notices the temperature is still HOT HOT HOT.  Car is obviously taking a hint from kabuki. (ba-zing! humor in the face of adversity is kabuki's bread and butter)  Speaking of foodstuffs, kabuki has adopted a little grey french poodle named Liberty.  Liberty's daddy is in Afganistan fighting.  From there he has decided to go fight in Germany, so Liberty needed a home.  Liberty was raised around parrots, and treats them with the indifference kabuki requires in a housepet.  Liberty requires dog food, so kabuki walks over to the grocery store IN DESERT HOT SPRINGS.  See, kabuki can mix with ordinary folk.  As long as they don't speak to kabuki.  Or touch kabuki.  Why is it the starving masses always want to lay hands on kabuki?  You just know they are not faith-healers, more likely trying to lift kabuki's coin purse.  Thankfull for the many folds of my work kimono (it's easy care denim polyester), kabuki's coin purse is safely stashed.  As is my disdain for the elderly black couple sexy-talking in the produce aisle.  Momma said she wants hamburger, daddy says he has some chorizo.  Kabuki is apalled.  Locating the dog food kabuki flees the grocery store before somebody takes a fancy to 'the pretty boy in the blue china-man dress'.  Risking death and dismemberment kabuki flees back across the parking lot with a bag of dry dog num-nums.  kabuki limps the station-wagon-of-love home.  After much online research kabuki has learned to change the serpentine belt on a  Saturn wagon you need to remove the right front wheel and inner fender skirts.  Because some moron at saturn put the engine in sideways.  Porsche, BMW, Jaguar, Mercedes Benz, Cadillac, Lincoln, Corvette, Mustang GT - yes kabuki has owned them all,  and they all had the engine facing forward.  People of Saturn listen up - stop trying to re-invent the wheel - for heavens' sake.  Oh wait - you went bust.  Puzzling.  So as soon as the stormy weather leaves the desert playground of kabuki - he will go and get physical.  One may wonder 'kabuki  - where is Super Secret Straight Boyfriend'?  Playing bingo with his momma, kabuki hopes he gets a paper cut BIG TIME.  Shoulda snagged a lesbian at the auto parts store, but you just cannot let them on the furniture.  sadness becomes kabuki.


Wednesday

the stale aftertaste of a life half lived

I found this lovely artwork whilst perusing the internet.  Kabuki peruses frequently when attempting to stave off a minor/major depression.  While not usually successfull, it can still be enlightening.  This particular piece speaks to kabuki, the more kabuki looks - the more kabuki sees.  This is sooo not true in other areas of kabuki's half-lived life.  The eight years lost inside my illness will haunt kabuki forever.  Was that the time kabuki was supposed to learn how to manage finances?  Did my beloved come & go while kabuki lay in a percocet twilight?  Having accomplished so very much, what else might have been?  It is a 'road not chosen' reflection, even thought that road was not available.  Is kabuki crying over milk that not was not spilt, because the cow did not exist?  Such existenstial wonderings may well whisper 'nut case'.  More likely it means kabuki is broke, lonely, bored, hungry and lost.  It also usually foretells of the coming full moon.  And unfortunately for so manyof you, curious readers, it also brings out kabuki's keen desire to leave a legacy.  A mark, a stain, a google, maybe even a scandalous wikipedia entry.  The combination of angst and flight propels kabuki to jump off the roof, but only if kabuki can land in a pond of pistachio pudding.  If kabuki does not replace his lost make-up and assorted photo props soon, kabuki would like several people to slap him.  Form a line, we will raffle off the tickets.  MeaNwhiLe - where is the sad clown we so love to admire - nay, adore even.  Oh, he is lurking in the shadows, singing sad songs and trying to discover the next frozen drink trend.  Sail on into the night dear kabuki, because if all else fails you have enough love trapped inside to sustain you throught lifes' solitary back alleys.  I think.

Saturday

Skylark, have you anything to say to me?


Behold the madness that is Sunny.  She needs to work on her pattern matching, but really, when you look like her you can get away with anything.  Kabuki was chatting her up, let us recap.  'So Sunny, you know everything, and you are always right.  Does that about sum it up?' kabuki prodded gently.  (Sunny is not an easy talker.) 'Squawk' Sunny replies.  'Well, dearest sunn-bunn, let kabuki school your feathered self. ' and kabuki goes on 'Do you want to be right or happy?  No, let me finish.  For a long time kabuki felt they were mutually exclusive.  But having an epiphany or two (as is my due, remember my early childhood amnesia) kabuki has realized the answer was within kabuki all along. And dearest one, let kabuki enlighten you (wearing a kimono allows one to use words like "enlighten" in everyday conversation.) JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF!!!!  Be as fucking empirically correct as is your want, just don't be a dick about it. (sorry the "d" word is absolutely required at this point in the dialogue)  And viola, you still have people who will speak to you while secretly maintaining your mental superiority.'  (ps  world's worst kept secret)  end act one

Nowadays everyone is looking for a hero.  Dammit people - be the hero!.  Kabuki has been a hero like forever.  These days kabuki has elevated himself to SUPERHERO.  My super power = inevitability.  The world will soon realize kabuki has been right all along.  And one day people will recognize that kabuki will win in the end.  As befits a kabuki'ed superhero who is always right.  (oops)  Kabuki was venting just a little.  end act two

Having reconciled to a life of superhero celibacy, kabuki still wonders if his sidekick ran off with his evil nemesis.  Kabuki has no idea, but the heart strings are still occasionally plucked.  Kabuki feels this adds a dark sadness to kabuki's psyche - which most superheros need.  Like cloves of garlic in a roast leg of lamb.  (although the mint jelly is totally superflous, trust)  Kabuki would trade dark sadnesses with someone. probably.  Anybody got a mean hangnail willing to trade for solitary existence?  Perhaps a lactose intolerance, kabuki will work with you.  The quiet solitude might bring out the artist in you.  (kabuki is an artiste - don't be jealous)  Oh well, kabuki shall just be satisfied with superhero powers, keen wit and devastating good looks.  (kabuki did not mention his fine singing voice - it makes Felix of Hollywood cross)  bon chance mon petit singes end act three 

Sunday

Because you and me could have been a work of art

So kabuki is washing the dishes (because the dishwasher is not yet  installed) when out the kitchen window kabuki spies a crane sauntering across kabuki's very own front porch.  Kabuki dashed out to photograph the delightful creature, who was not disturbed by kabuki at all.  (which rarely happens, as kabuki can be rather disturbing).  Rather, the dear bird waited until kabuki went back inside and then retraced his path back into the duck pond.  Crikey - kabuki was as excited as a thirteen year old girl with a new bratz doll.  When kabuki mentioned this wonderment to his super secret straight boyfriend - he just said 'It is an egret.  It lives in the pond'.  What a turd - sucking the joy out of everything.  Kabuki pictured him with a rash, and kabuki felt better.  As is my god-given right. 

Now, back to my original reason for this blog.  Firsties - my desktop has been revived (JOY).  Second - As kabuki was watching the olympics (don't start) kabuki saw a commercial for that new Bourne Compendium movie (might have got the name wrong)  Premise is that man cannot remember his past, which apparently included training in everything.  (except tact)  So when trouble arises - as it do - man can solve problems with knowledge that he did not know he knew.  (whatever)  Also the government is trying to kill him.  (BFD) Like the government is not trying to kill all of us.  People - if you do not attend the secret meetings, well kabuki really can't discuss it.  Just like the plot of kabuki's favorite 60s summer replacement show "Coronet Blue".  Anywho, upon reflection kabuki realises that my very early childhood is a blank.  Egads, was the baby kabuki a government agent?  A kimono clad baby assasian?  Seems unlikely, but let us remember that we may have as our next president a man who tied a dog carrier (avec dog) onto the roof of his car and drove to his vacation.  Kabuki is relatively sure the doggie did not enjoy the vacation AT ALL.  So back to kabuki, how is kabuki supposed to showcase the new Olympic Mens' Rythmic Gymnastic event?  And if you can just picture a ribbon-twirling kimono-wearing split-leap jumping kabuki, well then you know it is time for the Olympics to 'man-up'.  Kabuki briefly considered mens syncronized swimming, but these kimonos weigh a ton when wet.  And a a shock to most, kabuki will admit that kabuki is best kept dry.  Like gunpowder.  Draw your own conclusions people, for now kabuki must go and bury his old desktop power supply in the desert.  Secrets, secrets, secrets. 

Saturday

while the cat is away


Our beloved Infomaniac stylestress is not even over the horizon and the catastrophe rears its evil head up on kabuk'is twitter.  The Polka Dot Queen has resurfaced, as kabuki foresaw (and forewarned, bitches).  WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is it always up to kabuki to carry the banner into the fray?  Is it because of kabuki's great legs?  Ruby Keeleresque - some might say.  Kabuki humbly acknowledges the fact that kabuki is equipped with a fine pair of walking sticks.  (don't hate the player)  So now kabuki has to march down to New Yorks' 5th Avenue, break the glass on the storefront where this nightmare is polkadots has been spied, and do battle with the Polka Dot Queen.  Kabuki would regret that he has only only life to give, but let us be serious, kabuki will wipe the floor with this fashion freak.  My battle kimono is pressed, the car is gassed, the citizens have been evacuated (3 block radius, in case kabuki starts to swing a purse).  So anyway, while kabuki is on 5th Ave, anybody need anything?  Chanel?  Louis Vuitton?  Kabuki would say Prada but last time kabuki wore any prada he broke out in a rash.  Probably made in bangladesh, those prada people are pretenders to the throne.  Who knows, might cross the pond, catch some olympics and have Vivienne Westwood run kabuki up a smart new kimono.  because the one kabuki wears to New York is gonna have polka dots all over it.  bon chance!

Thursday

Ruby, don't take your love to town

Quite recently kabuki was in Malaga with Adele and Brendan Fraser.  Say what you will, but kabuki has shared figs with less attractive men than Brendan.  Anyway - Brendan was trying to give me ideas for my upcoming kitchen rehab, and kabuki was pretending to be interested in his opinion.  Has anyone ever really been interested in anyone else's kitchen hints?  Certainly not kabuki, who knows his way around a lemon zester.  And we shall speak of it no further.  All this talk of kitchens reminded Adele of  this delightful pear and dark chocolate croissanrt she had for breakfast - well the whole affair was really just a crashing bore.  'Excuse moi' kabuki said, and while pretending to visit the loo kabuki slipped out the back door of that sad little cafe in Malaga.  Hopping the next steamer for the cape (note: steamship captains adore kabuki, and always have.)  Kabuki was sure Adele and Brendan would forgive kabuki, because kabuki can pout like the prettiest ballerina princess that ever was.  Plus, kabuki is not above a little white lie (to spare their feelings).  Better 'kabuki banged his head in the watercloset, and the resulting amnesia tooks weeks to subside' than 'kabuki wanted to gut you both like last nights trout, and feed your entrails to the undead'.  Because, as if you knew, the undead are particularly useful if you are trying to  get rid of some entrails.  Ignore this if you are in france (hope not) because the french will serve it up with truffle sauce and a pretentious red wine.  salut  kabuki knows to tread carefully the waters of the Seine, because of the many francophiles the visit mine own blog.  A world wide phenom to be sure, kabuki was even recognized in Anartica not so long ago.  kabuki knew the fur-lined kimono was a wise investment.  Those cold artic blasts are well past invigorating when one is out of doors.  A word to the wise - save those 'going commando' days for Brasil.  So where were we?  Kabuki has no idea - that amnesia really was something.  To recap - Adele, waterloo, brendan francophile, lemon tarts and of course Kabuki Zero.  Next time - have you seen my sketch pad?

Friday

Is it time to dance yet?

It is 106 degrees outside.  Kabuki is wearing kneehigh socks, sweatpants, a tshirt, a long sleeved tshirt, and workgloves.  Kabuki is crawling under his doublewide mansion, flashlight in one hand - new electrical wiring in the other.  Crawling commando style, in the hot dusty nether regions of his home.  Kabuki dares a spider, scorpion or other insectoid to try and bite kabuki.  The insect will explode, because kabuki is in no mood.  While renovating the golden cave of mexican delights (aka master bedroom) kabuki has run into electrical issues. Next time kabuki lets someone talk him into using the local retirees to save a few dollars - you have permission to bitch slap kabuki.  Notice the lovely shade of rivermist blue kabuki  has selected for the master bedroom.  A lovely cobalt blue has been selected for an accent wall.  Kabuki thinks an accent wall will add that continental flavor kabuki desires.  Plus it was on the clearance shelf for $7.00.  Trust kabuki when he tells you the rivermist blue was not $7.00, and multiple gallons were required for the new sheetrock.  Watch kabuki toss words like electrical wiring, sheetrock and workgloves about.  It gives one chills.  This is no way for the prettiest ballerina in the world to spend an afternoon.  Kabuki would so much rather be sipping frozen magaritas and discussing where to get a nice manicure in Palm Springs.  Alas and alack.
While experiencing my very own electrical issues there were several power outages citywide in lovely Palm Springs.  Kabuki was asked by the property manager if kabuki was responsible for same.  Kabuki replied that when he knocks the power out it will stay out, and manical laughter will echo in the valley.  Did kabuki mention that kabuki lives in a valley?  If only kabuki could get his hands on a suede pantsuit kimono  - Barbara Stanwyck would spin in her grave.  Now that is entertainment folks.  Speaking of graves (excellent transition) the power dificulties managed to bring kabuki's desktop pc to its very own endtimes.  Kabuki imagines it is in pc heaven with MJ and Thombeau's pc's.  Does anyone else smell conspiracy?  Why is it always the talented who suffer.  Kabuki bets Paris Hiltons' pc is fine.  Probably like new, since she has no idea what it is.  After kabuki recovers from the abrupt hardware failure he plans to toss his surge protector into the duck pond.  The pc may or may not still be attached.  Like the rebuilding of the great barrier reef in australia, kabuki gives back to the planet.  Even though kabuki has been wronged as of late, it is still all light and joy in kabuki's heart.  Kabuki remains a giver. 
Did kabuki mention electrical difficulties?  Is anyone taking notes? Refer back if you need to.  It would seem that when the circuit breakers are tripped in kabuki's house, the ground wire then becomes hot.  Since kabuki's house has some metal breaker boxes and is covered in aluminium siding this leads to some sparky-sparky issues.  Kabuki has been removing the offending metal boxes and throwing them in the trash.  There are approx. 20 outside outlets at kabuki's residence.  Kabuki likes to share, but not his electricity, so he has been correcting the over abundance of outlets.  Maybe they were on sale at Home Depot, kabuki cannot really say.  All kabuki can say is if the whole place burns to the ground prior to kabuki's fixing everything - kabuki is going to come and live with one of you. 

Sunday

Ruining a perfectly good manicure

Someone who should know better left this collection of blue mayhem at my house.  For safe-keeping.  This is the world we live in people.  Madness is king, and you know kabuki has wrecked his nails making sure that no trim in this house is loose.  Loose trim is the first sign of madness, of this kabuki is sure.  The second sign is telling people what the first sign is, but what are you gonna do.  Given a large enough air hose kabuki could bring safety to all those in 'loose trim' danger.  Why this is not a subject for this years' presidential election is obvious.  They do not care about you.  Kabuki almost said us, but that is ridiculous.  Obama adores him some kabuki.  Yes, the prez is a fan.  Deal with it.  Mitt would be a fan if he possessed the intellect to recognize genius, but we are lucky if he can recognize (and identify) the major food groups.  His handlers have managed to keep it out of the press, but Mitt is known to gnaw on just about anything if he is feeling peckish.  So many pairs of his wifes' shoes were ruined that now she keeps them in the refrigerator.  (the fridge light scares Mitt)  Anyway, until kabuki runs out of nails, brads, staples and any other manner of air-compressed fasteners - kabuki will bid you farewell.  Next time - will kabuki run the paint sprayer?  Damn skippy he will, manicures are for the weak and timid.   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Thursday

In Xanadu did kabuki a pleasure dome erect

The cave of golden mysteries is well on its way to becoming the master bedroom of serene bliss.  if wild debauchery is desired - well there is always the front patio for that.  'caveat emptor' kabuki tells all prospective neighbors.  yes dear readers, kabuki occasionally speaks to the common man, frequently to remind them to stay the fuck off kabuki's lawn.  Is it still a lawn if it consists of rocks and sand?  methinks as much.  In the year the mansion was vacant several unscrupulous neighbors used the front yard as a shortcut to the dumpster.  It is now the shortcut to a tongue lashing by yours truly.  A rather unattractive man, with his wife and child was peering around the side of kabuki's house.  They - the three mouseketeers - were in for a rude awakening when kabuki stepped onto the front porch and loudly inquired 'May I help you with something?'  They fled like the illegal aliens they probably were (norwegian - kabuki is almost sure of it)

A master carpenter has been assisting kabuki with the renovation work in the master bedroom.  Kabuki was in for a small surprise when kabuki discovered that the window, which had been sheet-rocked over, was not nailed to the house.  'Just set it in place' the crazy ex-owner must have said, 'I am sure it will be fine'.  Which kabuki finds out of character because everything else in this place is screwed, nailed, and glued.  As if kabuki sat on exactly the fault line .  Which kabuki does not.  The fault line is two or three feet to the right of kabuki's house, to be sure.

Kabuki's neighbor lady has kindly offered kabuki 10 gallons of exterior house paint.  The shade is called dark peach.  She said kabuki could use it as interior primer, but kabuki thinks it would be better used to paint all of the palm trees in the neighbors yards.  Because kabuki has a plan to get all liquored up and walk through every front yard in the community.  As a sort of payback.  When people complain kabuki shall bow, exit gracefully, and return in the still of the night to paint their trees dark peach.  Kabuki has found no law against such behaviour.  Kabuki may just be on the cutting edge of horticultural painting.  And we all know what they say about whores and culture.

Tuesday

Universal Dischord

kabuki is so very over the universe at this moment in time - if the universe had any sense it would go and hide at walmart (kabuki never goes into the walmart clothing section.  ever)  But it does not possess any sense, and kabuki has documents to prove it.  My move was a horrendous nightmare of biblical proportions.  One person helped, my SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend).  He helped about 20% of the move, and was suspiciously absent for the rest.  Several of the local residents offered their services - but they were all over 60 and female.  kabuki had pillow detail, so they were not able to assist.  A fine example of my horwor - my terwor 'this is heavy' my sssbf intoned, as he picked up one end of the sofa.  'i thought the same when i carried it all by myself' said kabuki, who had the other end.  'muscle pussy' kabuki screamed silently, and not in a good way.  Another local friend, stricken with food poisoning, said 'let me take you out to lunch'.  'only if i pick the place' kabuki stated, for this ladies food service selection process was tainted.  (get it?)  While dining on cheeseburgers and onion rings kabuki broke a molar in half.  So there's that.  Unseasonably warm, yes add that to the mix.  'Can you show your place monday, tuesday, and thursday?' the property manager asked. 'NO' kabuki said 'because I am moving and stuff'.  sheesh.  After safely moving the birds kabuki let them out to explore the new digs.  The green ring neck parrot immediately starts eating the moulding.  The 40 year old mobile home moulding.  ick.  'Stop that!' kabuki says, shutting the bird back into its cage.  kabuki turns around to see the white cockatoo eating the moulding off the other wall.  'FAT JESUS' kabuki screams, and kabuki had had it up to there!  kabuki then got the attention of the universe. 'I HAVE HAD IT, AND I AM NOT HAVING IT'  kabuki tossed into the atmosphere. 'Problem, prettiest ballerina?'  the iniverse inquired.  'what is wrong with you, got a case of the evils or something? kabuki politely asked. 'I have NO idea to what you are referring' the universe said.  'Do not start with me universe, kabuki is in no mood to play.  Have you been paying attention to the clown party that is my move?' kabuki pressed, for you have to spell it out for the universe sometimes.  kabuki suspects the universe is a might slow,  but would never tell the universe, because that would be mean-spirited.  'You know the universe watches you very closely' the universe replies, 'for you are so very interesting - my dearest kabuki.'  'Well then, what is up with the SUPER-SECRET-STRAIGHT-BOYFRIEND not being available to help? kabuki asked.  'That is the SSSBF way.  You should recognize.  This is not your first SSSBF letdown.  What else?'  the universe says defensively.  '106 degrees, really?  Birds eating the walls.   really?  All by myself.  Really?  Broken tooth.  Really?  stop fucking with me, or kabuki will go medieval on your ass'.  kabuki stated, and not so sweetly either.  'Oh alright, let the universe make it up to you' the universe says.  'What did you have in mind, for kabuki is already the prettiest ballerina in the world ya'know' kabuki says proudly, and quite correctly.  For it is an honor to be the prettiest ballerina in the world, as many of you no doubt suspect.  'I have wanted to do this for years' the universe is really beaming now 'kabuki - you are now PRINCESS OF THE UNIVERSE!' the universe is positively shouting 'And no one deserves it more than you".  'True enough' kabuki states, 'and kabuki would like to thank the academy, etc'.
Thank goodness kabuki has several prepared speeches, for you never know when an award will pop up.  If you are kabuki.  Which I am.  Thank you one and all for supporting the kabuki during this summer madness.  And everyone is invited over for cake.  As long as you are coming over, bring some cake.  Because sharing is nice.  And if it is cluster-fuck time at your home - be sure and let the universe know it is time to straighten up and fly right.  Because it can't hurt to ask.

Friday

The INTERNET is alive (again)

stay tuned to this kabuki channel for exciting kabuki updates.  probably make up some stuff too. 
you cannot stop the kabuki.  like a train, kabuki will steamroll righ over your ass.  now somebody send me a housewarming gift of immeasurable beauty, like a picture of kabuki. HA!

Time is waiting in the wings

It is moving week here at Kabuki Acres, wish me luck.  Remember to keep the shiny side up (nascar slang), and kabuki will be back soon as he can.  My love is grotesque for you kids.  As always, if you are caught the IMF will deny your very existence.  Kabuki has yet to receive a heartfelt housewarming cheesecake from you slack-jawed inbred boozehounds.  (just a note to my family HA!)  The rest of you clowns go and do what you do best. as kabuki's return to the interworld is both foretold and imminent.

Thursday

my heartfelt thanks

i would like to express my gratitude to one and all.  I am so very blessed to have found so much love and understanding here in the blog verse.  Everyone please have some ice cream, on kabuki.

Tuesday

There is a hole at the bottom of the ocean

There is a hole at the bottom of the ocean.  At the bottom of the hole - that is where grief lives.  Elmo my long haired chihuahua, constant companion of 16 years, lays dying beside me.  I am powerless to do anything about it.  He is the only being on the planet to spend that much time with me.  Even my parents didn't keep me around for 16 years.  Elmo never had a bad day, or at least never shared it with me.  I tried to prepare myself but could not.  His unconditional love spans both time and space.   I sit beside him, giving him cool water with a straw and I want to just run away and cry. forever.   My weakness sickens me. When I was first taken ill, so many years ago, elmo would stay in bed with me all day.  I would not have done the same for him.  I can barely stay in the house.   I played 'funeral for a friend' and went hysterical.  I am sure I would not be alive if not for him.  He gave my life both structure and purpose.  I am a better man for having known him.  There will never be another.  And I will never be the same.  kabuki is broken, and the world is a cold lonely place.  again.

At 9pm california time, Elmo died in my arms.  Rest in Peace my beloved friend.

Friday

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, sasquatch?

I don't care for the french.  I can't help it.  Frog biting snail eaters.  Crunchy crusty bread. Entrails and innards.  They will stick the most disgusting things in their mouths.   Kabuki cannot count the number of times someone has tried to put something disgusting in kabuki's mouth.  Kabuki bets they were french (You know who you are!)  Some peoples children.  Really.  Francophile - sounds like something that comes in a can. Felix is a bit french ya'know.  Boat neck t-shirts and berets.  EEEKK!  Kabuki is mortified.  Of course kabuki would never let Felix know that.  Kabuki was not surprised to learn that the Yeti, or abdomenible Snowman, was in fact french.  And what is so abdomenible about a big hulking beast, anyways.  Speaking of beasts, Kabuki is not going to imply that  Gérard Depardieu is in fact a Yeti.  However - have you seen a photo of Mr. Depardieu with a Yeti?  Neither has kabuki.  He does have an awful abdomen.  just sayin.  Oh kabuki could go on for hours about those souffle eating bastards, but kabuki is really more of a lover than a fighter.  So we shall put aside our bad feelings for the frenchies, and follow our moral compass onward towards glory.  As long as kabuki does not have to step in foot in Italy - OH MY GOD!  The Italians.  Anyways - kabuki is proud to be of german & irish heritage, and is doubly proud to pretend to be an asian princess.  And as a true californian transplant kabuki will soon take time  to speak awful things about the Mexicans - who very well may be ruining it for everyone.

Once upon a time

I do believe in fairy tales

Tuesday

Oh what have I done now?

If Sid & Marty Krofft did doublewides, I'd like to think this was some of their handiwork.
Has anyone seen kabuki's disco biscuits?  Asking for a friend.

Golden mirrored palace of versailles master bedroom - why yes, we have one.There is just the tiniest little piece of kabuki that screams "Don't change a thing!"  kabuki fed that part of himself frozen margaritas until it shut up.  Another successful real estate decision.  Am kabuki world-famous genius or what?
Mirror mirror on the wall - who is the prettiest ballerina in the world?  damn right its kabuki!!!

Talking star love in the night

Having the financial wisdom of an eight year old girl, and the intelligence of a small frog - kabuki has indeed bought the 1970s disco love palace referenced in last weeks blog.  Had to had to had to.  Kick myself later, but it answered so many unanswered questions.  It is Unit 33 - my favorite number.  It has a view of the mountains from the master bedroom - kabuki wanted to see some mountains.  Abuts the duck pond - kabuki wanted to overlook a pond.  Gold veined mirrored dining room wall - well that is just gravy.  Speaking to a lady friend of mine, as we both sat in the bubbling spa of wonderfullness, kabuki remarked that unit 33 cried out for a mirror ball.  'Oh really, I have one in the trunk of my car' kabukis' friend intoned.  'WHAT!! Give that to kabuki immediately' kabuki pleaded.  "I was taking it to the thrift store' kabukis' lady friend responded, 'it is all yours'.  joy.  Shortly after arriving at my important decision (kabuki really dislikes moving) kabuki noticed that the landscapers planted several trees just at the edge of what will be my new front yard.  They are mimosa trees, and they were a favorite of my dear departed mother.  A sign from above?  kabuki is quite perplexed.  Is the universe giving kabuki signs both left and right?  Signs that this is a brilliantly timed real estate acquisition, undoubtedly leading kabuki to eternal bliss.  Or is the netherworld executing a multi-layered extremely detailed plan leading to kabukis' utter destruction and madness?   Let us find out together.  kabuki is committed to ride this train all the way to the end.  Life can be so exciting when you fling yourself wildly about, looking somewhat like a goldfish on a hot sidewalk.  Wagons ho say kabuki, so feel free to add words of encouragement and support.

                                                    heres the view - kitty - no?

No stranger to Love

kabuki was grocery shopping for kabuki, the ancient chihuahua, and the 3 feathered maniacs that live with kabuki.  Walking into the store was a young girl. Maybe like six years old.  She was wearing green and blue mens flannel boxers, a pink and white nylon windbreaker zipped to the neck and black hurrache sandals. Outside it was 102 degrees.  Either this girl had it all going on, or the rest of the world did.  I sided with her.  Sometimes you have to step out of your safety zone. 
Sadly, lest us pause for a moment.  Kabuki's chocolate easter bunny has disapeared.  Last seen mocking kabuki. It is to cry.

Wanting to help the world kabuki took a brief 'cleanse' by the Aegean Sea.  Everybody is doing it, so kabuki thought 'lets go throw some coins at the greeks.  they invented butt-sex.'  kabuki had a suite waiting on the lovely island of Myhernia, very exclusive.  "Spiritual and/or Physical cleanse?" asked the insouciant counter-clerk.  kabuki leaned over the counter and smacked the nice little man.  "Just the Physical then" and signed kabuki up.  "The kabuki has an inner spirit as cleansed as the aegean is blue" , kabuki intoned "and that will cost you a fruit basket".  Kabuki loves the fruit baskets.  Tossing fruit out the window in moments of boredom can liven any vacation.  You are welcome.

So day two of the grape leaves and olive oil cleanse had kabuki feeling a little shaky.  "kabuki, your antioxidants are low" kabuki said to kabuki-self.  kabuki then proceeded to modify the cleanse by adding unlimitied amounts of cheap red wine.  Who knows kabuki's body better?  Exactly.  Sufficiently fortified kabuki slogs on.  Is slog a word?  Is blue cheese disgusting?  Did kabuki bring home any souveniers from the isle Myhernia?  Some many questions.  Answers to all of them kabuki will offer next time.  αντίο

Thursday

Adrift in a Sea of Indecision

Not  really.  Well maybe a little .  Oh who knows?  We all care, so don't be frontin'.  kabuki will explain the latest Home Madness cover.  kabuki really has a way.  With whatever, not so much with whenever.  kabuki wants it all.  now.  please.  bitches.  thank you.  We will check-in on the homefront a bit later on.  This past Sunday kabuki was having a delightful brunch at http://www.acqua-pazza.com .  (It means crazy water)  It was kabuki, Linda Hamilton and Hamilton Beach.  Yes, there really is a Hamilton Beach.  Swell Fella, gave everybody a blender.  While waiting to be seated al fresco kabuki dryly intoned that had kabuki known it was Louis Vuitton Sunday Brunch that kabuki would have brought one.  At that precise moment TIME STOPPED.  In strolled a 60 year old STONE COLD DEAD FOX.  Dark aquamarine silk patchwork sheath dress.  Bunches of seed pearl strands and one large white Chanel bag.  Tucked in her armpit.  kabuki mentally and silently screamed 'No more entries, we have a winner!'  kabuki should have flat gone for it, but feels the lobster rolls would have been witheld.  alas. 

So the photo is my little 1965 love shack.  Coming along, coming along.  And right across the way sits the vacant double wide that belonged to the original park owner.  With the back wall of sliding glass doors leading to the deck that fronts the duck pond.  (I shall rename it Lake du Canard later).  A large mid 70s unit, last occupant little south of the border lady.  The place screams 'Foxy Brown Love Palace West'.  kabuki would need orange shag carpeting, and would search for same.  Probably find some in minnesota (or canada).  You see kabuki wants it, and made a bold cut-throat move to acquire this little pretty home, cuz that is pretty much how kabuki rolls.  Feel free to kick in a few large to help with paint.  Lots of it.  Of course kabuki said 'the kabuki kitchen appliance kollection' must go with kabuki.  kabuki's refridgerator has like six light bulbs.  Damn serious people, six damn light bulbs.  kabuki giggles wickedly.  at nite.  alone.  in a resort town.  six.

So kabuki shall wait it out.  Will kabuki stay in the mid-century or move boldly into the 70s' love machine disco train?  Felix says kabuki needs a Monte Carlo to park in front of the new place.  Anybody want to hook kabuki up?  vroom vroom kabuki says 'damn skippy'.

Wednesday

Forget I'm a Lady


Sorry for the absence, that's on me dawg.  Spring got in the way, and kabuki was forced to decorate, redecorate, and then un-decorate.  Few people can handle all three phases of decor - but kabuki is a talented mega-star so no big dealio.  Onto exciting personal revelations:

If you can answer yes to some of the following questions - this blog is for you.

1.  Did you almost complete high school?
2.  Is it illegal for you to buy and/or consume alcohol?
3.  Do you have at least one child?
4.  Are you employed in the retail/fast food industry?
5.  Would your outfit be considered a poor fashion choice by anyone but you?
6.  Are you humming 'I am sexy and I know it' to yourself all day long?

I you answered yes to at least two of the above questions kabuki would like to clue you in.  School you, if you wish.  YOU WILL NEVER WIN AN ARGUMENT WITH ME!  You do not possess the necessary skills.  You do not have enough life experience.  You are vastly outgunned, circle the wagons, and raise a white flag.  If kabuki is engaging you in conversation it is because you are providing a service to kabuki.  A service for which you are being paid.  You can use the money to buy a tattoo of your baby-daddys name.  You can put it on your big fat ass.  You are not in fact the head of industry.  You do not own the establishment that was unfortunate enough to hire you.  If I call your manager you will be drawing unemployment.  Just suffice it to say that you will not, can not, may not and shall not win an argument with kabuki.  Should kabuki's head explode and my lifeless body crumple to the ground - you still will not win the argument.  (kabuki gets points for a dramatic exit).  So get me my damn hot apple pie and large iced tea - and god help us all if you spit in my tea.  Because kabuki will kill all your relatives.  Because iced tea is the sacred liquid of life for kabuki.  I asked for an iced tea with two splendas the other day.  The  young lady behind the counter put two splenda sweeteners into a cup, and then she added sweet tea to the picture.  The resulting beverage gave kabuki type 5 diabetes - and kabuki is still reeling from the initial sip of sweetened sweet tea.  Oddly enough, kabuki does not require large amounts of additional sweeteners.  Kabuki is sweet already.  And nice.  Did kabuki mention pleasant?  Because he certainly should.  Mention it.  Because pleasant is kabuki's middle name.  Kabuki Pleasant Zero.  Sounds like spring, doesn't it?  Because kabuki is all about spring.  And pleasantness.  So shall we all just agreee that kabuki is nice as all get out, and that an argument with such a pleasant person could be life changing?  Yes, kabuki can see that we all do agree.  Sigh, life is good again.  Suck it up, people.  (the pleasantness I mean).  And someone look into a 'cheesecake of the week' club.  Kabuki is interested  in receiving some cheesecakes.

Friday

Silence is wrong

Today kabuki would like to share a tale told to him by his neck doctor.  With this years' International Tango Competition drawing near kabuki felt it was time to repair his trick neck.  (While not formally entered, it is widely understood that kabuki may be called into service at a moments notice.)  Anywho kabuki was at his fancy-schmancy rheumotologist today.  Upon entering the building kabuki noticed it was dedicated to his doctor "Oh boy, this is gonna be expensive" kabuki thought.  kabuki also thought it was kinda gauche to have an office building dedicated to yourself.  just sayin.    So here we are, doctor and patient, con-fabbing, whenst kabuki notices the sparkley diamond ring the doctor is wearing.  It is quite similar to the ring kabuki sold several months ago.  It is an old unusual style.  Kabuki mentions this and the doctor says there is a story that is connected to the ring.  Here is that story:

A man, his wife and their two children were rounded up in germany by the Nazis and taken to the train station.  They would be going to Auschwitz.  Auschwitz concentration camp was a network of concentration and extermination camps built and operated by the Third Reich in Polish areas annexed by the Nazis.  The man turned back at the train station, and was shot dead on the spot.  The woman and two children were put on the train.  They were met by Dr. Josef Mengele.  Mengele was also known as the Angel of Death.  The boy aged 11 was sent to the gas chamber, the woman told the girl to give her age as 15, so she might be sent to a labor camp.  She was actually 13.  When Dr Mengele questioned the girl he discovered her true age. It seemed that Dr. Mengele had a way with children.  (I find this fact to be horrific) The girl was also sent to the gas chamber.  The woman became one of Dr Mengeles' house maids.  She served until liberated by the Allies.  When freed she weighed 55 pounds.  She fled to brazil, eventually migrating to America.  She had no family, and was eventually welcomed into the doctors' family as a long lost aunt.  She contracted a virulent form of cancer in her twilight years, and asked the doctor to please allow her to live out her life without pain.  The doctor assured me that this was indeed the case, as she surely deserved no less.  Upon her deathbed she gave away her few possesions.  Having lost everything so long ago she had never really accumulated belongings ever again.  Her house was given to a kind neighbor, her car to the gardner, and her husbands wedding ring was given to the doctor.  35 years later he wears it to remind himself that he really never has a bad day. 

If you remain silent when they come for me, there may be no one to cry out when they come for you.

                    kabuki zero

Sunday

On this day in History

On this day, exactly one year ago, kabuki zero trans-located his pretty white ass to California.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Can you dig it? (i knew you could)  Ah - the joy that is my new existence could only be improved by:  blue porsche, sexy movie stars and one large ass bank account.  Of course kabuki realizes how shallow this seems - too bad soo sad.  You asked.  I felt your question in my mind.  Quite handy - these pyschic powers.  Is it the high power lines overhead?  The windmills that dot my ever-so-scenic desert valley landscape?  Or just the continuing evolution of the kabuki?  The answer is WHO CARES!!  Kabuki got hot psycho kinetic power and is not afraid to  use it.  Don't make me angry, you really wouldn't like me angry.  (i kid, you will always adore kabuki - it is your nature)  If you hear  of an Old Navy store exploding - well - you have been warned.  icky things can often be found hangin on racks at Old Navy (or so my spies say, kabiki has yet to step foot in one)  Might as well go to a MALL.  OMG - can you imagine the horror. kabuki would simply go to an Orange Julius stand, order a hot dog, and die.  Would not even need to eat it, just ordering it would be toxic to kabuki.  Kabuki remembers from long ago, when kabuki's mumsie was still around.  One day she says to kabuki "I had a piece of pizza from 7-eleven.  It was not very good".  "Imagine that" kabuki replied, making a mental note to hide mumsie's car keys.  Apparently madness exists in the kabuki family tree.  Let us hope it never strikes our delightly personable star (ME).  Yes kabuki has often been the sanest person in the room.  Usually it is at family gatherings - but it happens elsewhere as well.  Kabuki remembers from long ago (my memory is scary - ask around) when kabuki and several hundred inebriated patrons of local nite spot Lost & Found were watching drunk ninnies light fireworks on the roof of the same said nite spot.  It was Sunday tea dance, it was july fourth, and we were on the lovely deck enjoying the festivites.  Suddenly a medium-sized fully lit firework fell off the roof and landed in front of our bar patrons.  It lay sideways on the deck spewing its glittering death flames towards one and all.  And nobody moved.  "OH MY GOD" kabuki yelled "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING", at which point kabuki walked over and stomped out the flaming firework with mine own size seven disco shoe.  "Problem solved LADIES" kabuki said to the applauding crowd of nancy boys.  And people wondered why kabuki so rarely dated.  If kabuki is the butchest thing in the room - well you know.  Anyway - happy anniversary to me and my beloved bloggites - who would never watch the internet burn.  They would help kabuki stomp out the flames.  Because they rock.  And they are you.

Friday

And now for something completely different


Last seen in Romania fleeing the Big Bad Wolf, whatever has become of our hapless heroine?  Stay tuned for life changing news.  (Eastern Europe has gone to the dogs - if your askin)

Wednesday

What a curious world we inhabit - kabuki style

Early, raw footage of KABUKI ZERO messing with the video camera.  Better get ready for the paparazzi.

Tuesday

The Promise of a new day

Hold on dear ones, this may meander.  Let us rejoice in all things new and delicious, old and delicious, or just delicious.  (somebody broke down a made a batch of brownies!)  It is a beautiful day, kabuki arises at 9am to the joyful squawks of the unruly kabuki clan.  Kabuki uncovers the birds, gives them all a peanut, lets the dog out, opens the blinds, secures a caffinated libation and then kabuki and the dog go back to their respective beds.  We are not the crazy ones, its those damn birds.  One of them BooBoo (an Indian ringneck) has completed her mission of shredding every piece of paper she can get into confetti.  Being a tidy bird she then throws the confetti out of her cage onto MY floor.  Every morning kabuki is greeted with the aftermath of his own ticker-tape parade.  (must have been some party, kabuki muses, because I can't remember a thing).  Every day kabuki sweeps up the mess, and provides BooBoo with new paper.  (don't judge me, she's happy)  Every week kabuki also vacuums and usually damp mops the cherry wood laminate floor.  Today is a good day to vacuum and mop as kabuki rides the horse that is called Gingerbread.  (Kabuki had also baked a gingerbread and had it for brekkie - delightful).   As kabuki has been re-arranging storage while preparing the guest room for the friends and family that will NOT come and visit (bitches), kabuki has located the 75 boxes that contain the CD collection kaboo has been working on for decades.  Up to know kabuki has been forced to pleasure himself (audio-wise) via the scant 50 Gigabytes of music on his personal computer.  It is hardships like this that can eventually wear a man down to a nub.  Anyways, kabuki opens a cd box - screams - and runs towards the Yamaha RX-V870 Natural Sound Stereo Receiver with matching yamaha components and speakers (kabuki is a whore for matching audio equipment).  Why all the fuss you may ask.  Laying in waiting in the cd treasure box is a mix cd kabuki has made,  Kabuki has no recollection of this event - perhaps a fugue state was involved.  (nice play on the word fugue).  Anyway the title of said music collection is 'DRAG QUEEN MUCH? volume one.  Kabuki knows this could go any numer of ways, but is sure the vacuum will be a breeze.  Perhaps a little warm-up number, just to shake the dust off the old bones.  OH MY GOD - Patti Labelle's "What can I do for you".  Kabuki senses a string of patti labelle grooviness is running thru the universe.  Casting aside the kenmore canister vac, Kabuki begins to bring it to the people.  Kabuki is selling pure gold this morning people, get your dollars OUT! (say yeah say yeah)  You may only suspect - and kabuki will now confirm - kabuki can dance like a house of speed freaks on fire.  Sweet Jesus - kabuki embraces the love that is extremely loud (and clean) yamaha digital 6.1 dolby drag queen madness.  Building, spinning, (no leaping - mobile home) bobbing & weaving - there is no doubt that this is the finest dance routine this part of the California desert has seen in decades.   Final moments, taking it home kabuki hits and locks the final pose!  And kabuki's shorts fall to the ground - someone has neglected to don appropriate dance attire.  Glancing up at the open blinds kabuki is surprised to see NO ONE AT ALL.  Live performances can be so fleeting.  Lets only hope the spy satellite caught my laviscious behaviour (it did).  Stay tuned, because kabuki noticed that volume one was sitting on volumes two, three and four.  Be nice and kabuki will burn you a set, guaranteed to turn anywhere queens inhabit into a throw down wig-shaking party.  Because kabuki cares, and kabuki shares.  goodnight my loves.

Saturday

a day remembered

The year was 1980.  It was mid-May.  Kabuki's family was all away for a wedding.  Kabuki's friend from college had just returned to Boston.  Kabuki was due to graduate from computer school in just a few days, and was not allowed to miss any more days of school or was threatened with NO DIPLOMA.  Kabuki was also sick as a damn dog.  Two days prior kabuki has visited the local emergency room, because he had the pnuemonia.  His grandmother had told him this, and he knew her to be a wise woman.  The ER Doctors disagreed with her, took chest x-rays, gave kabuki some cough syrup, and sent him on his way.  All in all it was a shitty day.  Did kabuki mention it was his birthday?  Well it was, and kabuki was feeling DOWN.  All alone and sick, kabuki started to feel warm.  Kabuki's temperature was rose quickly - puzzling.  Kabuki called his Auntie - another wise woman.  "Auntie, my temperature has just hit 102, que pasa?" "For crying out loud, go to the Emergency Room before you drop dead" Auntie suggesteds strongly.  "Again - well I am not going to be pleasant when I get there" kabuki warned.  Kabuki hopped in his 1973 Mustang convertible (red with white top & Interior!) and proceeded to the Emergency Room.  Same nurse checked kabuki in, same intern got him settled, same Doctor walked in.  Kabuki said "I am SO not paying for this return visit, do not even mail me a bill".  kabuki then put his head on the Doctors' shoulder and burst into tears.  Doctor threw several little white pills down kabuki's throat and sent him off to X-Ray.  Same guy pushed the wheelchair, same X-Ray tech - it really was all too much.  Doctor then announced "Why, you have double walking pnuemonia" like he had just discovered the disease himself.  "My grandmother told me that several days ago, might I remind you" kabuki was feeling slightly bolder, probably those little white pills.  "I see" said the Doctor, and although he was obviously not cut out for medical work, he was as cute as he could be.  Afraid kabuki was going to cause him bodily harm, Doctor quickly gave kabuki a prescription for some meds, a quick shot in the ass, and sent him on his way.  (side note: kabuki was rather thin, and every Doctor kabuki saw during the 80s used this as an excuse to give me a shot in my ass.  The medical community should be ashamed)  So properly diagnosed, kabuki returned home, feeling better than he had in weeks.  Physically anyways.  Still an emotional wreck (it was the 80s emotional wreckedness was in), kabuki settled in for a night of 'no birthday cake for the horribly alone and still sick as crap' fun.  As was the custom then kabuki tuned his radio in to WHUR Howard University Radio.  It was home of "The Quiet Storm", a nightly musical oasis of all things wonderous and wonderful.  Kabuki dared a call to the request line, and it was birthday magically answered.  "Hi, its my birthday, I just got out of the ER, I am alone and sad, please play me a tune".  The DJ created that perfect moment in time for kabuki, that moment kabuki shares with you know.  He played Patti Labelle's "Come what may", like he knew kabuki.  I put my head down and cried.  I may have cried for hours, but somehow I knew the universe was finite, and that somehow I mattered.

Thursday

A little kabuki dreamscape for you

kabuki has dreams y'know.  And they can be ridiculous.  kabuki knows this shocks the seasoned kabuki reader, but deal with it sister.  kabuki seldom strays from the path of normalacy and commonplace middle-class white bread & mayonnaise lifestyle that is so desired by those horrible people on the television, but the little satan child occasionally fills kabukis' head with visions and scenarios that might be true.  kabuki doesn't judge - except for a fee.  (have you priced a 2012 porshe carrera s?  kabuki has)  Anyways, what if kabuki is really quite psychic?  What if these brief glimpses are some type of remote viewing?  kabuki feels duty-bound to the loyal reader.  Let history judge me (it wouldn't dare).  Let's light this candle:

Is there any truth to the notion that MJ our infomaniac goddess is shopping a canadian wonder woman mini-series to the telly people in New Zealand?  Connie Canuck - wine maker by day - super heroine by night.  It must not that get that could up North, because the costume is scandalous.  kabuki looks forward to many late night viewings of this adult-themed television event.

Could it be that screen writers are pestering our Mr. Peenee for bio-pic rights?  Rumor suggests his backyard is a hot spot for writers and producers alike.  Appearing frequently at hot spots and trouble spots - he always arrives in a snow white jaguar.  Has he really been throwing cupcakes off his second story catwalk at passersby?  (I hear the icing takes of vicodin - how divine)  We know he recently turned down a six figure salary to let his cat Sciatica (real name) work with Interpol.  The cat has its own phone.  It is a satellite phone, and the halls of interpol echo with the sounds "Get me the CAT SAT STAT", when ever the director is perplexed.  Oddly comforting, no?

Thombeau, Thombeau, Thombeau - where to begin.  Every time the Queen Mum gets a new hat a tiny replica is forwarded to our talented Mr. Thombeau.  More than one international incident has been prevented by a quick call to the castle across the pond (ditch the lavender mess immediately!)  He asks for nothing in return, although a knighthood is certain.  It is suggested he has the only Mini Cooper in existence that can run on gin, a gift from a thankful Queen.  We know his latest work with Bulgari is both exquisite and expensive.  That is just how he rolls. 

Felix has taken Hollywood by storm.  That is because he can control the weather, but only a little.  Not so much a super power, but he can make it humid enough to completely fuck up your hair.  Felix is not bothered by humidity, his whole family is immune.  His mother was a famous high-wire performer, and many nights Felix can be found atop the HOLLYWOOD sign (he favors the 'y' letter - no one knows why)  A hollywood legend in his own right - there are hush hush meetings at his hollywood bungalow every 3rd tuesday.  There is a secret room in his home, kabuki has seen it.  Up close - when that jealous bitch tried to lock me away.  Fortunately for all - Felix keeps his own home made preserves there, so no harm no foul.

These are but a few of kabukis' visions.  Stay tuned as kabuki prepares to open the floodgates and let the information permeate the atmosphere.  Kabukileaks - no one second thought - kabuki doesn't like the sound of that at all.  kabuki shall return when he has coined a catchy tag line.  Adieu

Monday

Message to the Universe


I know you are changing, I am changing too.  You don't own me, you can not control me, you can not tame me.  You can not stop me, you can only end me.  Not scared.   Even if I lose, that does
not mean you win.  You are not black and white.  There are always alternatives, choices, paths untried.  My spirit is unbroken.  My desire remains intact.  My ego protects my softer side, my wit
shields my true nature, my talent strengthens my resolve.  What I do not learn from I may repeat.  My choice.  What I covet I may pay too high a price to obtain.  My decision.  One day I will be
done, but that day is not today.  I have said it before.  I will say it again.  I am unique. I am alone. I am searching, I am kabuki zero.

Tuesday

It you want my opinion (and you do)

This delightful room is where kabuki sat while waiting his turn in the baccarat semi-finals at a casino saturday nite.  EEECH!  Gold glitter couch, how does one compose ones self?  Especially since kabuki had learned how to play baccarat off the internet the night before. Kabuki you zany hep cat!  The free buffet was tasty as well.  But what to wear, what to wear?  Kabuki felt the room lacked both color and pattern, but kabuki generally doesn't 'tart it up'  at casino vip events.  Not always, anyway.  Don't judge me.

SO kabuki watched some family televsion recently, here's kabuki's humble opions:
  Mothra II -  fat japaneses children running, then cheap shit blows up
  Alcatraz - edgy poorly editted NBC pilot - like a cheap x-files
  Lost Girl - sci-fi girl-on-girl - like a cheap Dark Angel
 
Are we sensing a theme?  We are, and it is not pretty.  It is cheapness - and I blame the Kardashians. (The only time I shall mention those publicity whores.  bleah)  Kabuki is not fond of dirty, petty, shallow disgusting cheapness.  As if you did not know.  That is why kabuki requires a Tesla roadster.  Kabuki is ashamed to admit it, but kabuki has asked the Twitter community for a Tesla roadsterr because the blog community DID NOT STEP UP!!!  It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken, and I bet if Frank Perdue wanted an electric car somebody would get it for him.  Probably his accountant.   Which reminds me - which one of you guys is my accountant? 

Does kabuki have to keep track of everything?  There are only so many hours in a day, and sometimes kabuki likes to lay down for most of them.  The demands the universe has placed on kabuki are extrememly tiring, and one can only delegate so many things to the practically non-existent help.  Who am I kidding, they are completely non-existent.  Children have imiginary friends, kabuki has imiginary help!  And the whole lot of them are about to be laid off if kabuki doesn't see some major improvements around his flat. One day company is sure to arrive, and kabuki does not wish to open the door and hand them a mop.  It would be bad form. ill-mannered at best. 

And best not to hand my motley assortment of friends anything which can be used as a weapon.  Yes, reprobates and felons, the whole lot of them positively desire what scant few possesions kabuki has left.  Kabuki is afraid to tell them the diamonds have been sold off (so sad), for fear kabuki would wake up in a bathtub full of ice one kidney short.  They are a scurrilous lot, and if i had a dollar bill for every knife in my back - well you know.  But as a supreme being of light and love kabuki cannot turn away the heartless beasts that would otherwise pine away their lonely hours thinking up ways to do wrong and dastardly deeds.  So you see, it is really for you that kabuki toils.  Endlessly some would say (they would be wrong).  But right now kabuki is going to go eat some spaghetti and listen to the eurythmics. Don't ask me why.

Friday

friday fun with girls


Oh yes, kabuki is fond of the cinema.  How many famous people turn their back on the silver screen?  Who can say?  I think 56% personally, but what do I know?  Who am I?  Why am I here? And finally, how do we get this vid an oscar?

Wednesday

Again it begins

Kabuki is forlorn.  Kabuki did not win the 2012 two door Land Rover Evoq given away last week at kabuki's bingo casino.  A small mexican cowboy won it.  Kabuki knows he was a mexican cowboy because : he wore ostritch skin cowboy boots, he wore tight cowboy jeans with a BIG belt buckle. he wore a cowboy shirt - and he had on a big-ass cowboy hat.  (plus my friend knows him, and informed me).  'At least he got dressed up' kabuki thought, because the general fashion scene at the casino is dismal.  Occasionally kabuki will spy a pair of hooker shoes, and it gives one hope.  Anyways no new car for kabuki, who surely deserves no less.  Suffer as I do, surely a new automobile is the least the universe can do.  Knowing the winner has a scant grasp of the english language kabuki clasp his hand firmly and said 'Coma Tostado', and kabuki meant it.  Kabuki can give as well as receive - but please do not attach dirty thoughts to kabuki's multi-dimensional approach to life.
Kabuki saw on some blog somewhere a list of 40 things to do in 2012 for a better world.  Kabuki did not get past number 2 - Forgive Everyone.  'Obviously the work of an idiot' kabuki surmised, and kabuki read no further. For kabuki has decided to forgive no one, 2012 is the year my good nature will be kept in check.  For far too long has the universe backslid into rudenesss, meanness, and a generally surly undertone permeates the very air of my desert resort town.  Kabuki is simply not having it. 
Kabuki watched the political nonsense on the telly for almost 5 minutes.  It made kabuki slightly queasy.  Let kabuki sort it out for you.  Mint Romney - no president of mine shall be named after a common garden herb.  As for the rest of the republicans - ick ick and ick.  Now President Obama - nope, he seems a teensy bit ineffective and whiny.  When you are the boss - well it is your fault. nuff said. Ronald Reagan knew that, and there was very little that Ronnie knew by the time he hit the White House.  So what are we to do?  Elect Kabuki.  My years of government consulting have prepared me for just such an event.  Kabuki will immediately start sending ambasssadors abroad.  Six pissed off gays guys and a couple of pms'ing lesbians should bring Korea in line - and Kabuki has big plans for Iran.  (Think musical reality show)  My complete and total 'no war'  approach to world events shall have the military and its crony suppliers in tears.  Now mind you, if someone should come over to America and do harmful things kabuki will personally lead a squad of ninjas and kick their ass.  We do have the ninjas in America y'know.  You think the Girl Scouts are just a bunch of silly girls?  No no no.  They don't even bake those cookies, they have people for that.  So you see the amount of free time the girls have.  Kabuki is just saying those sashes they wear are perfect for concealing throwing stars.  Oh there are many secrets President Kabuki will reveal to the world.  And some of them Kabuki did not even make up.  probably. 

Tuesday

did kabuki succumb?

Kabuki requires some counsel.  What you see above is the christmas 2011 release by en&is gallery, an italian design house.  It is a passive iphone amplifier, aka a megaphone for your iphone.  It is handcrafted, rests on an italian walnut stand, and kabuki finds it divine.  kabuki's mother was a ceramic and porcelain goddess of great talent, and kabuki recognizes the difficulty in creating such a lovely thing as is pictured above.  It costs 399 euros, and is the only item currently for sale at the en&is gallerys' website.
So you say to yourself, 'big whoop kabuki - tell us something else of little or no importance.  ok I will - kabuki can crack his toes.  spooky - no?  But bac kto the matter at hand.  kabuki accidentally went shopping, and whilst browsing in the local thrift store came upon this item.  In the original box, with all associated paperwork.  A nebbish man came over as kabuki inspected said item.  He whipped out his smart phone and attempted to discern its provenance, to kabuki's great consternation. (what a lovely sentence construct)  not to be outdone kabuki produced his iphone and immediately went to the design website, then informed the small man of the important data associated with said object.  Man said to me 'I could have looked that up on my pc at home'.  kabuki said 'meh', and wandered away to peruse other items.  kabuki could not shake the little man, and kabuki made polite conversation, including the possibility of buying thrift store items and selling them on ebay for profit.  A risky business to be sure.  kabuki informed small man the kabuki might consider selling above pictured ceramic on ebay, after all it is a christmas 2011 release, and it is only January 2012.  The market is surely not flooded with such a unique and delightful knick-knack.  At this point we (kabuki and the nebbish stranger) were joined in our conversation by the goodwill manager.  'That just came in today, its very expensive.  The lady who dropped  it off said she had received two of them".  kabuki knew this to be a bold-faced lie from some wealthy yet tasteless palm springs biddy.  (she also dropped off a matched set of DREAMY table lamps)  Anyways, after convincing the small man that he was not going to get kabuki's number, kabuki purchased the object d'art.  Am kabuki mad?  Has my noodle gone soft?  What is to become of kabuki?  Mind you, it was less than 20% of retail, yet kabuki may still have to nibble on it for sustenance when the budget collapses later this month.  Felix would call it 'a shopping blackout', kabuki just calls it a heart-felt purchase.  Here it is on my coffee table, it may yet end up on ebay, so tell me dear reader - What the hell have I done?